Setting a boundary with someone you love, or someone you have a repeated, ongoing connection with (e.g employer, or colleague) is one of the most powerful things you can do in a relationship, and it’s also one of the easiest, even though people often think it’s one of the hardest. The key is many of us have the wrong idea about what boundaries look like.
For many of us, we think boundaries require a ‘hey, can we talk’ conversation, or a ‘put on your mean face’ and show them you don’t care type energy. Some people think you have to be ‘assertive’ or aggressive, and learn how to be ‘good’ at arguing so people ‘respect’ you. All of this is incorrect (thank God). In fact, you can set boundaries with love, with the same smiling face and warm heart you do everything else with.
Another misconception about boundaries is that some of us believe boundaries are a form of control. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. In fact, boundaries are not at all about control, they are about choice. They are essentially a very sincere request to someone you love, where you tell them what they might be doing that is hurting you, and then asking them very nicely if they could stop doing that. That isn’t control, it’s like when a child tells his little friend that his joke made him cry. It’s an expression of honesty, and love. And everyone who truly loves you will respect them.
Finally, some of us might be afraid that if we set a boundary, the other person will leave, get angry, or stop loving us. But the truth is—real boundaries, when set with love and softness, actually protect love. They create space for closeness that’s safe and honest instead of tense, confusing, or painful. And people who love you will never leave because you ask them to stop (unknowingly) hurting you in some way. They will get closer to you, and in fact will love you more for trusting them with this vulnerability. And the one’s who leave? They didn’t love you in the first place, and so it’s better that they do.
So how exactly do we set a loving boundary?
A real boundary isn’t about accusing someone or calling them out. It’s about being open about your pain.
The key is that you set it whenever the other person does something that hurts you. Now, of course if you want to give the person one pass that’s ok – though I recommend, if a thing is hurtful enough to where you think about it all day. Then you should set a boundary based on it. And not just let it go. This is important because, it means things get dealt with on the day they happen, rather than being something you might bring up later on in a painful argument.
Now please don’t get stressed – I’m going to show you how to set a boundary in a way that is loving, and is not based on getting into an argument or a serious sit down. It is very easy to do, and has zero negative or aggressive energy in it.
So, they do something that hurts you. You now need to set a boundary. You can do it in person, or via text or email. It’s very easy. Here’s what you say:
“Hey my love… my brother, my sister, my friend, dear respected colleague, dear boss, dear respected client… ”
— you address them in a way that is very polite, and nice. This makes them open to what you are saying and not defensive or aggressive .
And then gently, from the heart, you say it: “Is it okay if you please don’t (the thing that hurt you)”
—and you make sure you say what the thing is. So they know what you are talking about.
And then you explain with kindness and honesty: “It’s not that I think you’re trying to hurt me. I know you’re not. I love you.
or if its a workplace thing: I respect you, or I like you and get along with you etc.
But it just hurts me because of things I’ve been through. It touches something that’s sensitive for me. I just wanted to be honest about it.”
Or whatever the reason is behind why you feel hurt by the thing they did.
— you basically tell them why it hurts you.
If it’s a more professional situation, you can just say ‘I don’t like it. It hurts me.’
That’s literally all you have to do. That’s the entire boundary. No argument. No meanness. No aggression etc.
The key is that it never accuses them of trying to hurt you on purpose, it maintains the kind tone that makes relationships so lovely, and it tells them exactly how they are hurting you without shaming or insulting them.
You never have to be aggressive, ‘assertive’, argue, or be cold or anything like that. All of that is insecurity. True boundaries are set with a smile, and a hug.
What makes this powerful is that you’re not telling them what to do, but you are making a request. You aren’t trying to dominate them or control them. You are demonstrating that you love them so much, or respect them so much, and trust them so much, that you are willing to open up to them and be vulnerable.
You’re saying, “I trust you enough to show you this soft, unguarded place.” That’s vulnerability. And it’s also a gift. You’re inviting the other person to rise into love—to respond to your truth with their own care.
And with the professional situation, where you are saying I don’t like this or that, you are letting them know how to respect you like a true valued equal, or employee etc. And you are saying it in a polite, respectful way, so they will never feel like you are trying to fight or argue with them.
And when they do respect what you request… if they hear you, and honor what you asked… that’s when something deep and beautiful happens. The relationship grows stronger. You feel safer with them. You know you can breathe around them. You know your feelings matter. You stop feeling guarded, defensive, or like you need to prepare for when they do something (unknowingly) to hurt you. You breathe out and your relationship feels mutually safe.
And practicing this will then give you the opportunity to reciprocate their respect and love. To be there for them when they make a request of you, and tell you what you might be doing that hurts them in some way. Then, you return the love they showed you and change your behaviour without arguing, being defensive, and making sure you take it seriously. And then by doing so, you create a mutually loving, safe, respectful, relationship where both people feel like they can trust the other fully and without risk of being hurt.
Now, it’s important to know, I don’t do this with everyone. I don’t set deep emotional boundaries with strangers or people I don’t know well. In other words, if I’m not going to meet the person again, and they are not important to me, I’ll just stop engaging with them. Of course this depends on what they do – but for example, if a girl on a dating app is rude to me, I won’t try to set a boundary. I’ll just unmatch her and continue with my day.
If someone’s not in my close circle, I don’t feel the need to explain myself or open up like that. I’ll just distance myself and keep it moving. They don’t owe me closeness, and I don’t owe them access to my vulnerability.
But when it comes to the people I really love—my friends, my family, my love, or the people I have ongoing relationships with e.g. my colleague at work, my employer, my client—it’s different. If I don’t speak up, they’ll keep doing something that hurts me without even realizing it. And I’ll start pulling away quietly. I’ll start building up tension inside. And eventually, that turns into resentment… or worse, it explodes into conflict that could’ve been avoided.
Now of course, the caveat with this is if a stranger is being very rude or aggressive, then I would set a polite boundary with them. I’d say something like : can you stop doing that please. Or please don’t do that.
But even here, being aggressive, being ‘assertive’, and so on is not necessary. As a martial artist, I can choke someone unconscious without anger, without raising my voice. I am unafraid, so I have no need to raise my voice or be mean. I can be polite. And through my politeness, the other person usually calms down and stops. I say this from life experience in multiple very potentially dangerous situations.
There’s never any need to shout or be aggressive – shouting and aggression are signs of fear, not confidence.
This is also a very good reason for learning martial arts (any MMA ones are good), and I’d recommend all of you do. In any case, actually having to put hands on someone is a very, very rare situation and in all my years I’ve thankfully never had to hit anyone. Even the most heated situations normally fizzle out when you’re polite and nice like I’m talking about. And if they don’t, you can deal with them with calmness. Either way, no aggression is needed.
So, we can say boundaries are essential. They’re the medicine that keeps relationships healthy before the sickness sets in. Without them, love becomes unstable. You start to feel like you’re walking on eggshells, or like you’re swallowing pain just to keep the peace. You also feel a level of self-hate building. You feel like you let people walk over you, and start feeling bad about yourself — and that’s not good.
It’s so important to learn and use what I’m saying here. People who have kind hearts can fall into depression when they don’t set boundaries. And moreover they might start believing things like ‘nice people get taken advantage of’ and other nonsense like that. This all leads to self-hate.
And normally, this self anger and self hate starts to to turn to aggression and defensiveness, or complete social isolation and guardedness — which makes it harder for you to build loving relationships. Which is unfair to you, because you started out with such a kind heart, so it’s not right for you to lose it. And that’s not peace—that’s emotional self-abandonment. Enough of that, and even the strongest love can start to decay.
I think most people don’t set boundaries because they’re scared, dislike conflict, and don’t want to hurt people. And I get that. But with the method I laid out, none of these are a factor. My way of boundary setting is firmly rooted in love, and kindness. So you don’t need to have any conflict, or be the mean type. And I’d say this way is far superior to the aggressive alternative. This way leads to more love, safety, respect and trust. The other way leads to defensiveness, fear, and people being closed off due to feeling unsafe.
Another reason boundaries are important is because they reveal the truth. When you set a boundary, the other person’s response tells you everything. People who don’t care about you will respond with anger, shame, gaslighting, mockery, or flat-out dismissal. And at this point, you can exit the relationship or situation, because you know they don’t respect you and won’t change when you ask them to (even when you ask very nicely, like you did.)
In fact, asking nicely, is even more superior to the aggressive way, because it demonstrates the true nature of the other person. In that, they have zero reason to be mean to you, or to insult you, or ignore what you are saying about what is hurting you. Unlike if you were aggressive, and so on , where they could say something like – I was just reacting to how you treated me. You leave no room for gaslighting or mind games.
People who do care will take what you said seriously. They will not shame you. They won’t insult you. They won’t ignore it. They’ll pause. And they’ll change behaviour. They’ll show they care about what you are saying, and may even apologise right away.
Most importantly, change of behaviour is what means something. And, of course, no one is perfect. So they might make the same mistake, here and there out of habit. But it will be very reduced, and be done by mistake rather than on purpose. And eventually they’ll stop doing it with you completely.
The difference between someone who is trying, and someone who is lying, is quite clear. Actions and behaviour tell you everything. Words don’t mean much. Don’t ignore when someone tries to trick you with words while their behaviour stays the same. This means they don’t care about you and think you are a fool. You aren’t a fool. And it’s wrong to stay connected to someone who is like that.
And when someone does honor your boundary? Celebrate that. Tell them you love them. Say thank you. Hug them. Treat them. Make sure you let them know how much that means to you. Let them know that you feel safe with them. That kind of moment deserves acknowledgment. It’s a real act of love. This will make them feel great about respecting and loving you, and they will want to do more in the future.
And then, when they bring their own boundary to you later, meet it with the same care. Make sure you respect it, and change your own behaviour to make them feel safe, and respected. That way its a mutually good, two way relationship and not a one sided one. That’s how trust grows. That’s how love deepens.
So please—set boundaries. Not with harshness, not with ego, but with love. With softness. With truth. It will help you keep the people you love. It will help you feel safe in your relationships. It will help you feel happy at work. And it will help you stop pouring energy into people who were never meant to be that close to you in the first place.
Boundaries, when done right, don’t push love away. They deepen it. They make it bloom. They make you feel safe. And the other person feel loved. Please do it :)
Zak
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