If I Must Live in Pain Until I Die, Here’s How I’ll do it.

I guess the coldest truth which brings comfort Is that this life won’t last forever.  The ride will come to an end one day. The pain will stop. 

So then the question becomes,  if I am doomed to live with pain until I die,  is it possible for me to do so? 

Is it possible to keep living despite never finding a cure to the sadness that wrecks and tortures me? Can I stay alive until the angel comes for me? And I meet charon at the shores of the Styx? 

Of course. I mean, what other choice do I have? The only other choice is to cut the ride short myself, but that is untenable,  unethical, forbidden  – it is murder.  And I wont ruin all my blessings of patience despite suffering,  by the blood of murder. Like Macbeth killing his king in the night. 

All of Neptunes oceans will not wash the blood. 

No. That’s illogical and unnatural,  and downright bad. 

So then I must live. I have no other choice. 

So then, if i must live, and it is possible it will be with unending pain,  how should I do it? 

How ought I live such a life, ride this train, before it reaches its final stop? 

Well, I suppose if I can I ought to be good. Try to live good. And do good. And the pain itself will be a multiplier of that goodness.  

If it is harder for me to simply exist,  well then even the smallest goods become better,  and the smallest bads I avoid, more praiseworthy. I ought not use my suffering as an excuse.  

I’m not the person with the most pain. There are children who carry more. And each of us suffers in our own way. So then I ought not increase the suffering of others. And try my best to help reduce it. 

I also ought not get angry or bitter at things I cant understand.  I am not God, and my mind is not objective enough to encompass reality as it is. Thus I ought not become bitter and start to think myself a judge of existence.  I’ll accept the mystery as it is. And think good of the things I don’t and can’t understand.  

Next, i ought to do what I can to reduce my own suffering where possible.  Pain itself is not noble.  To leave a child with a bad tooth is not good nor instructive,  its abuse.  Thus to leave myself with pain I can fix is also unethical. 

I’ll therefore do what i can to lessen my pain, and not increase it. If that means getting help from others,  taking breaks,  doing things which are healthy yet offer escape, like games or movies or books or music,  and trying to find work which feels meaningful to me. 

I’ll also try not to mope or stew in self pity or complaint. I’ll try to avoid negative thinking.  And moreover avoid things which will definitely make things worse for me, such as drink, drugs, letting my body waste, sex with people who dont care about me and so on.  

Thus at a minimum my pain will not increase,  and moreover, if I’m lucky, it may even decrease.  

I’d say finally, I’ll continue to do what I’m doing now: which is to make use of the pain as education fuel. Like a soldier speaking about the nature of man from the front lines. Not in complaint, but to demonstrate how to survive and behave well despite the tragedy. 

And I hope by doing all of this,  I will meet my end with pride. And the boatman will give me a fair price,  and a good seat,  and my ancestors will welcome me with love. And eventually,  eventually, perhaps I’ll find peace and freedom from suffering. 

Z